Wednesday, May 12, 2010

how publix almost drove me to murder

yesterday afternoon, i had every intention of popping into publix, grabbing my buy 1 get 1 eight o'clock coffee beans, and getting the heck out of dodge. little did i know my trip would put me close to the slammer SEVERAL times.

first off...i'm barely in the parking lot, turn into the lane to get a space...and stop. because the car in front of me has stopped, waiting for a space. and we wait. and we wait.

and i swear to you, i witness this....



this woman in her SUV makes what had to be AN EIGHTEEN point turn to get out of her space. with at least 3-4 feet between her rear bumper and the lady in front of me. so she's got room...she just can't drive.

and then the woman in front of me TRIES TO BACK UP. bitch, i'm right here. quit your backtrackin', and let this hooker get out.

murderous thoughts numero uno.

so now...i've got a basket full o'biznass, waiting to check out. with about a million other people. so i'm waiting, and this dude in front of me sees one of his fratastic buddies two people in front of him. poor old lady sandwiched between them. here's my version of their convo::
Fratty McFratterson: sup brah? haven't seen you in ages. let's drink beer.
Douchey McGee: i knowwwwwwwww!!! let's totally drink beer. are those flowers for your BOYFRIEND? hardee har har.

SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU. converse OUTSIDE THE STORE. not around the poor old lady, and not when it slows up my checking out process.

murderous thoughts numero dos.

fast forward about 5 minutes...and i'm paying for my food. and when the bagger hands me my bags...one has 2 bags of coffee beans, two packages of refrigerated cookie dough, 2 boxes of pasta and a tub of ricotta.

the other day HAS ONE PACKAGE OF GROUND BEEF. is it that hard to maybe separate things a little better?? maybe don't make one bag weigh a pound...and one weigh about 18. i know being a grocery bagger is practically like being a rocket scientists or one of those smart docs on grey's anatomy...but GOOD. LORD.

murderous thoughts numero tres.

and then, when all i wanna do is get home...some driver in front of me goes about 7 under the speed limit and makes me miss not one, BUT TWO GREEN LIGHTS. omg. i really thought i was gonna kill someone before i got home.

at least puck had a solo on glee to make my day better =)

10 comments:

brooke said...

hahahaaha! your title alone made me laugh out loud because I KNOW how folks at publix can be...don't know which one you frequent but the bradley park one...oh MY GOSH! it is never a quick in and out...NEVER!

and the frat guys "let's drink beer"...seriously?!?! lame...

what else is lame is my inability to spell check before i hit enter...

brooke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Summer {Bisfor...} said...

i am dying laughing over here. thankful i don't drive much! lol.

Salt said...

See, already the woman in the parking lot set the tone for that entire awful trip. Why oh why do people who cannot drive insist on driving cars that are SO BIG?

Fatty McFatterson = CLASSIC. Yeah brah.

Tiffany said...

Ok, thank you for my laugh today! I am not sure why, but I get SO frustrated with horrible drivers! I have to count to 10 (or 100) to calm down! But that Austin Powers video made my day. It always cracks me up!

Freck said...

Omg, that video is hilarious.

Damn bad drivers...

Jennifer said...

I'm sorry it was so bad but it definitely made for good blog humor!!
You just made my day with this story and I laughed so hard!

bananas. said...

OMG i had murderous thoughts just reading this. poor you!

but you gotta admit the fratty mcfratterson convo is pretty funny after the fact. i tend to get pissy when the event's actually happening and then i go home and write about it or tell dave and laugh my ass off.

like yesterday some kid on BART (it's like the subway) was rapping to himself and trying to have conversation with me while i was napping. um listen up fool, you're like 12 and i'm not interested in your amature rap skillz. kthxbye.

Claire Kiefer said...

hilarious. and that's an impeccable impersonation of fratspeak. :)

Amy Lynn said...

lol! sounds like most adventures to Publix. Just another example of why I HATE grocery shopping! Over here, I am in the middle of 2 Publix's. I have to choose which one to go to based on what time it is. In the afternoon Century Village drops a bus load of old farts off with their electric scooters to jam up every isle at one, and the other one is so jam packed in the evening that you can't breathe! lol