Friday, March 4, 2011

how i ended up NOT getting murdered

i'll be the first to admit...i have a TINGE of paranoia.

perhaps it's the 5 year tour in the news business i did...or the fact that our house got burgled in broad daylight in 2009. but either way....when i'm home alone, i tend to....dramaticize things.

so wednesday i was in the shower, minding my own business and shampooing my hair...when our doorbell rang.

and my heart started hammering.

but i figure, no bigs, they'll go away when no one comes to the door.

THEN whoever it is pounds on the door several times.

and i start freaking out even more.

THEN they ring the doorbell AGAIN, and i am officially freaking out. meanwhile...my 2 dogs, who hate the doorbell and always always ALWAYS flip out when anyone rings it...yeah, they're silent. thanks dudes, mom can handle herself...or NOT.

so i peak out the bathroom window, and see a red truck parked in the yard. i put my robe on, grab my cell phone, go to the door to look through the peephole, and spy on the ground any blunt objects i could use to bludgeon an intruder.

THERE'S NO ONE AT THE DOOR. but the truck is still there.

cue my brain going around and around and around, figuring there's someone crouching down, waiting for me to open to the door, so they cam bum rush me and kill me in my own house. this is also the point i'm thinking i should have put on undies and pants, so my would-be murderer would have to at least work at little when he attacks me...cuz i watch A LOT of law & order SVU.

then the truck drives off...i calm down, and go about my merry way.

cue last night, while i'm getting our ravioli dinner plated...the doorbell rings again.

and it's this nice old man who's apparently in a wood turning club (wtf is that? no clue...are they high-class whittlers??), and he wants to know if he can have pieces of this little president's day endeavor



see...the whole top of this tree was basically gone...and rotted. so we chopped it down. APPARENTLY, sweet gum trees are good for more than just annoying the every-loving hell out of me with their infernal balls over my yard.

APPARENTLY, sweet gum wood makes super awesome fare for whatever the heck the wood turning club does.

oh yeah, and that nice old man?

DRIVES A RED TRUCK.

apparently he wanted my wood...not to give me his.

6 comments:

Kathryn said...

HAHA, I just laughed out loud! I freak out when the doorbell rings too, and we don't have a peep hole, just a huge window!!

carrie1 said...

I just about pee'd my pants on the last line.

And if it makes you feel better, I am the same way at night.. even though nothing has happened to me..and we leave all the doors/windows unlocked. Right before Chris got home from his 8 month deployment.. I had a freak out mode while I was fixing Christmas decorations in the house.. Layla our Rotti (who NEVER barks) was going ballistic at every window and door running around the house. So I lock all doors/ windows and lock myself in the room..put the wall paper scrapper and hammer next to the bed (I totally forgot Chris had a shot gun in the closet) she still is going nuts.. so I called my sister crying and she drove over at 1 in the morning and took Layla around the house to make sure nothing was out there.

So trust me when I say I TOTALLY feel you!

Stacy said...

LMAO. "he wanted my wood, not to give me his" Love it! And I am so super paranoid too. Our house is locked and the alarm is on at all times. Drives my husband crazy!! Better safe than sorry (as all those hours of Criminal Minds, SVU and The Closer have taught me).

MrsSouthernBelle said...

I am dying laughing at the last line of this post.

Summer {athena in the middle} said...

this was one of the best posts i have ever read. yes, wear undies. make him work. not to give me his? hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

bananas. said...

you and me both! even dave gets freaked out by door bell rings too. the last time we both ran and hid to avoid opening the door only to see a tiny little girl scout girl walking away. she couldn't hurt a fly! and then i look at dave and say hey! aren't you supposed to be the one brave enough to answer the door! lol.

ah well he's good for other things.