anyway, i got a flash of a blog post i wrote long long ago, from a blog i've made private and mostly just kept around for myself....the dateline is january 15, 2007....the monday AFTER i told my then-boyfriend that i loved him for the first time.
there is something strange about love. the way it makes people act, the way it makes people feel, the way it can consume whole ideas and create such extreme reaction.
there is something i realized about love a few days ago.
the first time you fall in love, it's amazing. it's like nothing else you've ever felt, and you swear you'll never feel this way again. and it's reckless and it's without abandon and it's a feeling that seemingly has no boundaries and no limits and also...no logic.
and then that first love ends. and all of those hopes and dreams come crashing down, and you swear up and down you will never feel pain like that again, that nothing has ever been so intense or jarring or emotionally draining ever before.
and then love comes along again.and what i realized, is while yes, there really isn't anything to compare to first love....that's not a bad thing. because it is reckless and throw caution to the wind and all of that, but it won't always be like that. so few people end up with the first person they fall in love with.
when you fall the second, or third, or 42nd time...it's always, always a calculated risk. because you KNOW the pain you've been through before, and you fully understand that giving your heart away means you are potentially putting yourself in front of the firing squad.and when you realize you would glady do all of that, risk all of those horrid, soul-scarring emotions just to have those good things too....that's when you know it's real. when you're willing to give your heart to someone, knowing entirely too well they could stomp on it and hand it back in 100 pieces for you to try and put back together alone...and you still can't imagine anyone else having it. on that day, you really realize what love is about.
i know now.