hooking my way to the top...if only the doctor wasn't involved

remember how a few weeks ago i said i was teaching myself to crochet??

LOOKIT WHAT I MAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEE.

see, clearly i am too awesome at crocheting to bother with cleaning my mirror.

i may or may not be slowly turning into a grandma....because i LOVE me some crochet. but scarves are all i can make. so i may have to start handing them out at the grocery store, or wearing4 at the time to justify my habit.

on a totally unrelated note....you know what's awesome 4 days before christmas??

GETTING A PHONE CALL FROM THE LADY DOCTOR.

oh yes...the infamous "abnormal pap results" right here. according to the rude lady named jennifer on the phone who could not answer my questions...my tests came back HPV positive. so that's awesome. OR NOT.

i'm hoping that it's either a false positive, or a flare-up because of stress...cuz apparently that can happen. like you're just walking around all HPV-d up, and never know....but then you have a week where your great-aunt dies, then your best friend's baby dies, then you get into a screaming fight with your sister...then 36 hours later you're at the doctor and then two weeks later some bitch named jennifer calls you and tells you it "doesn't automatically mean you'll get cancer". THANKS TWAT, I KNOW THAT. although, if you're gonna go down the dangerous path known as google...there are a LOT scarier things to google than HPV. when i was in college, i was convinced i had meningitis. i did not.

so now i get to go BACK to the land of stirrups and open-front gowns...IN THREE WEEKS. so....i'm guessing my lady parts aren't gonna fall off right away, since they are apparently in NO hurry to see me. stupid jennifer.

and for the record....this has NEVER happened before, and i have been doing the dirty with one dude exclusively for 5 years. so your guess is as good as mine as to what the eff is going on. i'm REALLY trying not to freak the eff out...cuz you know, that's a super fun thing to happen RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

anyone else ever dealt with the dreaded abnormal?

how does "ridiculous" sound as a middle name?

sometimes when life throws you a WHOLE lot of grownup stuff in a short period...you go a little wacky. you spend most of your time either reading a book....or sitting on the couch with a friend, downing bottles of wine and just bitching about everything.

so that's where i've been lately...but i've also noticed several random things i can't get out of my head.

#1. these pajamas.

so what if they're for dudes?? so what if they're covered in robots and probably have a wang-hole in the front, which i have no use for. I WANT THEM, AND I WANT THEM NOW. or for christmas. but soon.

#2. hi, my name is hayley, and now, in the 12th month of 2011, after seeing a bazillion bloggers and a bazillions pins...i believe i have finally mastered the "sweater over a button-down" look. too bad i only have 3 button-downs....and BADLY need to do laundry.

#3. how long would you get it will take a 29 year old man to stop giggling like a child every time i talk about our dutch oven? CUZ IT AIN'T STOPPED YET. boys and their fart jokes....apparently it never gets old.

#4. i get irrationally annoyed every time i see a "cake pop maker" sold at the store.

THIS JUST COOKS BALLS OF CAKE. which are not the same as cake pops. they have no moist delicious mixed with frosting insides. they are just BALLS. OF. CAKE. if i wanted a cake pop and got a ball of cake...i'd be PISSED.

anyone else on the random train lately? or is it just me and my robot-pj-wearing, anti-ball-of-cake self?

making like some bread, cuz i'll be toasty

sometimes, it's really awesome to have a really great husband. cuz he buys you presents that are sort of for you....but really for him, to keep you from whining. it's a win-win!!

cuz the hubs? the hubs likes cigars. and the hubs REALLY likes cigars when we're driving places for more than 10 minutes. which is fine....except in winter.

because i end up feeling like THIS is his mustang, versus the regular kind with metal and plastic and whatever the heck else cars are made of.

so....the ever-so-thoughtful-and-a-little-selfish man in my life got me this.

what is this little piece of lumberjacky goodness you ask? oh you know...

JUST A FREAKING ELECTRIC BLANKET THAT PLUGS INTO THE CIGARETTE LIGHTER OF THE CAR!!!!!!!

i am gonna be like the opposite of gucci mane, because i will NOT be icy....i will be toasty warm. chilling under my blanket while messing up directions somewhere because i cannot read a map, and controlling the music because the hubs listens to some WEIRD. STUFF.

now to figure out where we're gonna drive first!

a weekend ful of ups and downs

did i get on a rollercoaster sometime friday and not know it?? because OH MY GOSH, this whole weekend has been super emotional.

the good news? my little sis has FINALLY wised up and dumped her doucheface of a boyfriend. i've had to fake polite with this kid for FOUR YEARS. gag.

the bad news? said douchface decided to go full-on juvenile doucheface and rant and rave on facebook after my sister maturely decided she didn't want the same things as he did, and decided to end it. she didn't cheat, she didn't DO anything but follow what her heart said. so gems like

"Well, i guess now all i gotta do is sell this stupid house and im completely done with this effin town.."

and

"Ill be so thankful when shes out of my house, and out of my life."

and 

" Its all a big game and you win some you lose some and people come and go. This one, however is not going fast enough."

MAKES ME WANT TO KICK SOME ASS.  


but at least she's free from him, and she's finally seen that she's better off without him. but the next few weeks with her living back at home with my parents might be a wee bit interesting.  plus you know...the hubs us REALLY enjoying making long-term plans to maim and/or murder the dude.


and then comes the tragedy that just breaks my heart. 

one of my very best friends lost her son today, at 23 weeks along. it makes me so mad, so sad, so sick.  it makes me question my belief that everything happens for a reason, because why do bad things happens to wonderful people?? this is just the latest in the long line of stuff that just doesn't make sense to me.

feeling helpless sucks, and i know there's nothing i can say or do to make anything better. so if you're the praying type, or the good thoughts type, or whatever...if you could say one for my friend, i'd really appreciate it.


i PROMISE i'll be back with more fun-type things tomorrow. but for me, will you hug your loved ones if they're near, or hold them a little closer in your heart if they aren't....Rest in peace sweet J.T.H. your "aunt" hayley will always love you. say hi to everyone up there...you'll be in good hands.