WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE PUTS CHEWED GUM ON SOMEONE'S CAR DOOR HANDLE?!
this was my greeting after running in to ulta for some new eye shadow, and then tj maxx for a new tie for the hubs (it's purple, and sean john, and it's TOTALLY gonna help him rock his interview today. or at least make it a little more diddy_licious).
the piece of gum on the ground i MIGHT be able to overlook. cuz sometimes...you just spit in a hurry and move on with your life.
but ON my car?? oh hell no....you did that ish on purpose. i hope a bird poops on your face this weekend anonymous gum chewer...RIGHT IN YOUR DIRTY WHORE MOUTH. where it belongs.
i hope all of you lovely ladies have a fabulous weekend...i'll be trying to figure out a way to keep my entire body from either liquifying or bursting into flame. cuz the high in my neck of the woods for the next 3 days is 103. just shoot me, or mail me to alaska (but not anywhere near sarah palin's house, she's a whackjob).
no, i'm not breaking up with YOU guys...i could never quit you.
this is about something harder than that...breaking up with a friend.
too bad in real life, it's not actually this easy.
i can't remember if i mentioned this on the blog before....but when i was in high school, i had a group of 3 close friends. 2 of us had been best friends since kindergarten (when that label is easy to give, and tends to stick around for a LOOOOOONG time), and the other 2 girls had been the same way since 2nd grade. the 4 of us were together all the time. when we went to college...2 of us lived together, and the other 2 went to school together back home.
we've all been in each other's weddings. at each other's birthdays...basically, the same since high school.
only for the last 2 years or so...one girl and her husband have been blowing us off. not showing up for planned events. choosing other friends first. so we stopped inviting them. because when they DID show up...it was like they were doing us a favor. or they'd only ever talk about themselves...NEVER asking about any of our lives. and that ish isn't cool.
so i've been fine with writing off my former best friend as a friendship that just ran its course. it happens. and i was cool with it.
but now? now she's bored at home with an 8 month old daguther for the summer...and she's been hounding me about doing something.
i never went to summer camp when i was a kid. the closest i came was a few day camps my mom sent me to during the summer....and MOST of them were straight-up nerd camps. cuz you know....most kids want to do science experiments for several house a day for a week. no? just me? okay then!
anywho, while i was rocking out some baking soda and vinegar volcanoes...most kids were apparently learning how to weave some fancy-ass bracelets out of twigs and string and whatnot.
and now, at almost 29...the internet is trying to convince me i need to pay them money for these things.
this bracelet for example, is super cute. and fun.but bitches are CRAZY if they think i'm paying them 35 DOLLARS for this bad boy. i mean....it's plastic strips! plastic!! no ma'am. $35 is a lot of wine for this girl.
so what did i do? LIKE YOU EVEN NEED TO ASK.
of COURSE i made my own. cuz let me tell you about that plastic stuff...it comes in approximately 90 million colors. and then michaels will trick you by having little 10 yard spools for a dollar. but for only $2.50, you can get a big spool. granted...you will then be left wondering what to do WITH ONE HUNDRED YARDS OF THIS STUFF....but it's cheaper than buying the little ones. or at least....that's what i'm telling myself.
i now cannot stop making these bracelets. even though somehow...i was only able to correctly measure the string THE FIRST TIME. the second and third ones are a smidge shorter (okay...one has like 3 jump rings on each side, BUT IT'S GREEN. and i might make a better one anyways). and it may have taken me the better part of two hours wednesday night to get the hang of it...so i literally thought this bracelet would be done sometime in december. or i'd chuck it out my window on the highway. one of the 2.
OH, and just to complete my totally 80's flashback...i worked on this WHILE WATCHING DALLAS. it was basically my 7 year old self's dream night...minus some lisa frank folders and a new my little pony. but you can't have everything.
i don't know about where you live...but here in the dirrty south.....sometimes, you just end up at walmart on a saturday night. sometimes it's several walmarts.
sometimes, it's to buy toilet paper and a styrofoam container of bait because you're 16, finally have a license and one of your guy friends just needs a little prize to wake up to...but that's neither here nor there.
for reasons i don't totally understand...my saturday night with the hubs ended with us hitting up SEVERAL walmarts. i blame the first one for showing him an obnoxious motivational poster WITH A TANK ON IT, from which he devised a brand-new decorating scheme for the office. it involves more tanks, lots of sci-fi books, and his framed certificate of ministry from when he ordained himself online.
and while it doesn't ALWAYS happen....sometimes walmart throws you a bone on the humor front.
get it? throw a bone? a shirt with a dog in a camo outfit?? yeahhhh....this was one of SEVERAL "patriotic" shirts we saw...they were all basically tie-dyed shirts. with animals like dogs or eagles or wolves. and then american flags.
there was a lady's version that was purple with DOLPHINS on it i may be plotting to buy for the tackiest 4th of july EVERRRR.
but not 3 minutes after this t-shirt was recorded for all time....the hubs and i were rewarded with a truly horrifying sight. the kind of thing that really can ONLY happen at walmart.
yep. you're not seeing things. that is in fact that woman's ASS CRACK on display. for all to see.
and yes...my husband did choose this very line for us to check out in, JUST so i could not only see this nightmare for myself, but slyly take a photo of it so it could be shared with the world. he's a good one, that man of mine.
still, even DAYS later...i'm so confused by it. there's NO way this woman didn't know her crack was out. she could FEEL a draft in there right?? i mean...it's like a tunnel for air down into her pants. and while i fully embrace the fact that i am no skinny waif girl....i also know WHEN MY PANTS ARE TOO TIGHT TO WEAR IN PUBLIC. as one of my friend's so aptly put it...just because you can get them on, doesn't mean they fit. because clearly...these do NOT fit. they probably haven't fit in YEARS. so unless she is blind, AND has no sensation of touch anywhere on her body AND has a much skinnier, much shorter sister at home who shares a closet....THIS. IS. NOT. OKAY.
BECAUSE MY BRAIN THINKS IT'S 1989, AND I AM ROCKING EVERY BIT OF NEON I POSSIBLY CAN.
true story: in 1989, when i was a whopping 6 years old...i have both neon pink AND neon yellow socks. and i'd wear them both at the same time, with one color scrunched over the other. because clearly...i was the coolest blind 1st grader on the block.
and while i do love me some neon, CLEARLY....i also love not spending money on things. or at least....spending a very little amount. so i can buy more things with the same money. not for SAVING or anything...that ish is crazy talk. saving is for grown-ups. obviously...that is not me.
so, when i realized i had 2 bottles of neon acrylic paint hanging out at my house (yes, i bought them with no specific project in mind....AND NO YOU CAN'T JUDGE ME FOR IT), plus some fabric paint medium left over from making my super sweet hunger games tshirt....i decided to raid my closet and see what i could work with.
AND WORK I DID.
see....i'm the clumsy girl who can't help but get at least a spot of something on just about every white tee i own. it's why i always buy a new one or 2 every year from target/old navy/etc.
but with a little masking tape, a little mixing of my paint and medium and about 30 minutes...i had the shirts you see above!
they are awesome. and the paint covers the tiny stains. and they were basically FREE since i had all the parts to make them already!!
plus...they're neon and pink and yellow. so clearly i will be wearing them until they turn threadbare and falling apart and i look like a sad neon hobo. or a really bright neon hobo...whichever comes first.
i may or may not be plotting a little neon chevron action in the near future.
also...apparently "masonry twine" is neon pink. and a giant roll of it is like $4 from home depot. so i whipped up a triple-wrap bracelet in about 15 minutes yesterday afternoon. you may have to pry it off my arm....because i am NEVER taking it off. ARM PARTY AHOY!!
i'm a 27 year old girl trying to figure out what's next, after 5 years working in television news. i love with my whole heart, i probably have a dirtier mouth than i ought to, and i'm so glad you found my little corner of the blogging world!! if you like shoes, clothes, and a whole lot of snark....you're in the right place =)